Sirona,
Nice work, in such a short piece for a writer to develope characters to that degree and set out a scenario that holds the readers attention all the way up to the twist at the end is a good measure of talent. Your story has a unique premise and potential to evolve into much more.
I wish there was more of it. I liked the way you broke from the telling and moved into the dialog.
Having your work compared to other authors is a good thing, but I think you clearly have your own voice in the piece and it is cler to me that you are comfortable with it.
Thunder ===}>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Thunder Rider
JoinedPosts by Thunder Rider
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Help me out? a request for critique on my writing
by Sirona ini hope you don't mind me asking, but i know lots of people here so i thought i'd post to ask for your opinions on my most recent short story.
i've posted it here on a short story writing website http://www.eastoftheweb.com/uncut/node/view/2370 honestly i'm looking for constructive critisism - its ok to be harsh.. the story is a bit humourous and is less than 1100 words, so it's a quick read.
if you are really kind, you could comment over on that site too.. i've always wanted to write more and ultimately get something published, and this is a way for me to try to improve and learn.
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Thunder Rider
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'now I'll show you how an Italian dies,'"
by English Patient inhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3628977.stm
the italian hostage killed by kidnappers in iraq was a defiant "hero" in his final moments, italian foreign minister franco frattini says.
the dead man was identified as fabrizio quattrocchi, 36, a security guard.
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Thunder Rider
Simon said:
I wouldn't bother even responding to Hamas. He's already shown on more than one occassion what an immature racist little prick of an ass-wipe he is. Not worth the bother.
Don't mince words Simon.....what do you really think?
Bravo by the way!
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127
Take George out of the equation.
by Thunder Rider inthis whole blame the president thing is getting old.
you "anyone but bush" people kill me.
you're all so quick to condemn but have you any real constructive criticism?
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Thunder Rider
Realist said:
thunder,
i will try to give simpler answers for you next time.
Thanx Realist, that way the rest of the "Libs" will understand them.
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42
Happy 20th Anniversary Thunder and Sheila !!!
by xenawarrior inhave a great day !!
cheers to the next 20 years !!
love you guys !!
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Thunder Rider
Mouthy said
I bet you didnt tell that to her when you married her.
Darn straight there, hell i'd still be single!!!
Thanx Grace.
Thunder ==}>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> -
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Thunder Rider
If you wouldn't do it with your partner in the room, its cheating. Right is Right!
Thunder ==}>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Have sword would use it!
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42
Happy 20th Anniversary Thunder and Sheila !!!
by xenawarrior inhave a great day !!
cheers to the next 20 years !!
love you guys !!
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Thunder Rider
*LOL* look at the hair on that boy... Sincerely, District Overbeer
I still got it too! Though most of it is on my ass!
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127
Take George out of the equation.
by Thunder Rider inthis whole blame the president thing is getting old.
you "anyone but bush" people kill me.
you're all so quick to condemn but have you any real constructive criticism?
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Thunder Rider
Gita,
Now thats what I was looking for. Logical reasonable clearly stated ideas. Bravo!
Realist, I wasn't ignoring your suggestions they didn't fit the parrameters of what I consider reasonable logical and clearly stated. I believe Gita has answered without emotional bias. His remarks were not infamatory or accusatory.
I would agree and support the implimentation of the ideas he proposed.
I personally have a much more black and white solution, but I will not voice it because it is not reasonable, but it would work.
Thunder ==}>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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42
Happy 20th Anniversary Thunder and Sheila !!!
by xenawarrior inhave a great day !!
cheers to the next 20 years !!
love you guys !!
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Thunder Rider
Wow, what a great suprise! Thanx to you all you guys are the best.
Oh and Nina, we're still dealing with the whole buckwheat thing!
I wrote this for her this morning.
Twenty and not counting.
I woke today to find my life much as I wished ?towuld be.
For slumbering off to my right twas the source of all my glee.
She carved a smile upon my face now twenty years ago.
When she stood by me at the alter, took my hand and said ?lets go?.
We fled the scene of nuptials swapped and ?couplitude? did seek.
To a quiet place, to share our love to the sound of bed spring?s creak.
That creaking?s never quieted, though the years have passed us by.
We?ve kept the juices flowing, living cheek to cheek, eye to eye.
Not once have I ever wished for some quiet time alone.
I seek out every moment to be with her, my heart she owns.
My joy in life comes from seeing her and watching all she does.
Chestnut hair frames an angel?s face, and sets my heart a buzz.
I watch her as she comes and goes, as she glides to unheard tunes.
I hear her sock foot patters on the floors from room to room.
Her voice does lift my spirits when the day would break my will.
For I know the night to come brings the time to love fulfill.
I say you can?t compare her to another ever born.
She is music, art and laughter, a rose without the thorn.
Her eyes do see the depth of me and qualities I do not.
She gives my dreams and spirit wing, and support for all I?ve fought.
So on twenty years celebration day of our vows in ink recorded.
I thank the gods above that be, for this life I?ve been afforded.
I doubt I?ll ever give her all that her heart deserves.
But I swear upon the sacred blade, from her side I?ll never swerve.
If you knew this not already wife, of my feelings, love, devotion.
Then a refresh her course is needed, another dose of Thunder?s potion.
See you tonight!
I love you Sheila!
For Real!
Christopher
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127
Take George out of the equation.
by Thunder Rider inthis whole blame the president thing is getting old.
you "anyone but bush" people kill me.
you're all so quick to condemn but have you any real constructive criticism?
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Thunder Rider
Simon wrote:
It's beyond question that the Iraq situation is a mess. All we can hope for and work to now is to make it a short-lived and least painful mess.
You are right Simon, its a real cluster over there. I'm just saying that we're all her snapping at each other and getting upset when we don't have a good answer to the problem either.
If we are realy intent on placing blame than I would think that the previous administration carries more blame than the current.
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127
Take George out of the equation.
by Thunder Rider inthis whole blame the president thing is getting old.
you "anyone but bush" people kill me.
you're all so quick to condemn but have you any real constructive criticism?
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Thunder Rider
ThiChi
I think we're pissing up a rope here. No matter what evidence you post, they will not see it.
I didn't intend this to become a "prove it" type thread, I just wanted folks to put up or shut up. They haven't a leg to stand on.
Thunder ==}>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>